Dolphin Dream

There's a little place I'd like to go
Hippy Joe's Coffee
It's run by this sweet lady who never got it right before
But she can cook and she can make a mean cup o joe
There's bandanas on the curtain rods
The tea glasses are mason jars
And light shines in the window
And lights up the gleaming floors
When its cold they gather round the wood stove
For coffee and tea that's always ready to go

There's painting on the walls
Done by a troubled young man
Alien landscapes and anamorphic selfies
Sometimes they sell a few to make the rent
Shelves on the walls with art on consignment
And a girl in the corner
On a homemade soundstage
She has a guitar and a gleam in her eye
Her voice is loud and clear and true
And when she sings there is not a dry eye in the place

And one day I'll drive away
In my Dolphin built for two
To a shore not so far
With a beach for me and you
And one day I'll drive away
In my Dolphin built for two
To a shore not so far
With a beach for me and you

And the waves will crash and the sky will spit
And the dolphins will play in the surf  as we sit
We'll stare off into the horizon
Till the sun sets down
 The we'll head on back to Hippy Joe's
And friendship and love will meet us there

Nobody has to be cool all the time.

Nobody has to be cool all the time.
Nobody has to be cool all the time, right?

I was dreaming when I wrote down this poem
I thought about the past and the fear
I thought about the pain and finality
I remembered the good times too
And the words did finally come

I remember that night when you took me dancing.
You drank too much and tried to act cool.
Hopped on your bike and fell down the hill.
You just laid there and I giggled.
Nobody has to be cool all the time.

I remember that time you threw me from a moving car.
But first you tried to break my neck.
I kicked and fought and managed to get the door open.
I just laid there and you stood over me.
Nobody was cool that time.

I was dreaming when I saw you walking down the street
With a whistle on your lips and the sun in your hair
And I believed you were beautiful and noble.
I offered you a ride and you were enjoying your walk so much
You declined and I thought that was wonderful.

I watched you in my rearview as I drove away.

I was wide awake when you drove away that day
I laid in the ditch in the mud and fall leaves
The sun still shining and a crisp bite in the air
It was a beautiful day to die
But I was not dead, I was still there

Day after day when I opened my eyes to find that
Goddamn it I'm still ALIVE
The pain won't stop and I just keep breathing.
Your hands around my throat
Hold your breath...


I was dreaming when I wrote down this poem
I thought about the past and the fear
I thought about the pain and finality
I remembered the good times too
And the words did finally come

Nobody has to be cool all the time.
Nobody has to be cool all the time, right?


Slam Poem

Giant Windows

When I think of you
It's always in a sun soaked
living room
with giant windows and
whitewashed walls
we're laughing and shouting
because we're working on a new song
We never had a living room like that
But we have written songs
Just like that
I think its my hope for the future
That I'm thinking of when I imagine that room
But I don't care if we live in a cave
If you'd just write with me again

Cicadas' Scream

I remember when we left our house on Kaucher Lane
We put our things in storage
We decided to finish out the winter in the old rv
We found a nice spot in a park near friends
We brought along all the comforts and parked them
Right there along side the camper

We even put the big yard swing at the back of the camper facing the woods
And set the chimenea next to it for cozy evenings by the fire
It never was cozy tho

We set up the computer and closet space in a rented outbuilding
And set up a toy box for family times underneath.
It never was fun tho

Did you know that when the cicadas buzzed
Their screeching was so loud that no one could hear?
I used to creep outside at night
And sit in the swing to cry

It was more like a deep gut sobbing
And I found that I could scream
And rail against Jehovah, God himself

And no one could hear.
Maybe the cicadas were loud enough
That even God could not hear
My impotent rage and pain
Spit out into the wind and trees

Victoria is my Name

I was born Victoria Lee Stewart in January
In a small retirement community a full week into the new year
Yet I was the New Years baby

I once asked my mother who I was named for
A queen perhaps, or a far away city?
"No" she said, "I just thought the name is beautiful- you are beautiful"

But she didn't call me that beautiful name, instead she called me Vickie
She spelled it in a different way then most
with the "ie" on the end instead of a "y"
Nobody ever got it right

It rhymed with all manner of unpleasant names
Which I suffered throughout elementary school

Vickie, Dickie, Sicky, lickie, Mickie, picky... icky

Finally I had the chance to re-brand myself
A move to a new state when I was nearly 12
Now I was Tori...
No longer gangly, and awkward, with buck teeth, and stick out ears
I was tan and tall and pretty and I was "The girl from California"

And Tori didn't rhyme with anything gross

The move was no good for a girl with no self-esteem however, instead it proved to be a disaster that set me on a path of self loathing and self destruction

Suddenly attractive to boys and with out compass or sanctuary
I became victim to the whim and desires of others
Mississippi holds no fond memories for me
I cringe at the thought of meeting someone who knew me then

Leaving Mississippi behind did not remove its shadow from my heart
The shadow cold and lonely followed me thru Arkansas, Okinawa, New York, Connecticut and back to Arkansas again and Wisconsin and Florida and Arkansas again, and again to Arkansas

The dark times were dismal with this shadow overhead, no light could penetrate. Anguished nights spent screaming into the dark,
Cicadas roar covered the sound with no purchase found in those days

Years passed until I finally made another move
To a new place inside myself.
I decided to grow into me
I know it sounds too simple but that was just what I did
I left behind the old shadow, the shame and solitude
I changed from the inside out, my food, my outlook
I nourished myself in ways that have nothing to do with my address

I am Victoria now and forever
I am beautiful and free