No Mistakes (Revised)

NO MISTAKES


How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
The pretty yellow black-eyed susans
Should have warned me from the beginning
I thought I had taken the lemons given me and made lemonade
On the tail end of the breakdown
I was coming out on the other side and would be victorious.....
That's what I thought - I think I remember it that way

How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
We moved into that trailer in triumph
The kitchen had been ripped out and paint stained the carpet
But the paint was fresh and the carpet was new
There were yellow flowers all around in the field
And the edge of the woods where we moved it
The walls were white and a dryer lay
On its side in the laundry room- it worked
At first the friends were helpful -  they came and things got fixed
And it was going to get better
I should have known better then to get hopeful

How cold can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
The fall was winding down and the winter would come
The dealer told me 100 gallons of propane would last the winter
Could anyone predict that the tank would be empty in only a month?
We had never lived that way before
Without heat, in a tin can in the middle of a barren field
We didn't know how. We made mistakes. I made mistakes


Three of us shivering under a mountain of blankets
The cat and the dog put away their differences for a place in the bed
I'm not sure how we made it through - I messed that up pretty good
It was so cold and I did it all wrong
But we made it through to the other side of that winter
And we were OK - and things looked like they would get better

How hot can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
As the spring faded  my hope died in the blistering heat
in the middle of a barren field
They cut down all the forest and left just ruts in the mud
I had made a plan - I bought the land,  I did the work
I didn't know how many mistakes - I could make again

How hot can you get? Can you make everything go wrong?
To get money to move the trailer,  I sold the car
It didn't matter, I said because we'd be in town
That's what I thought
He said 6 weeks.... but then he said 6 more
I couldn't make it that far and the money got spent

Spent on living and we just got stuck
The only thing that saved us that summer was the water
Thank god there was a well
We could live under the stream of spray of the cold clear water
And the friends sneered and looked at our tans
And said we looked like we had a great summer

How lost can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
The summer finished and the fall came and someone made the call
The electricity on again and the social workers finally came
I didn't have to to tell them - I didn't have to ask for help!
They turned to leave but I needed help, wanted help
I asked for help from snakes who smile and hiss and slither

How lost can you get?
Can you make everything go wrong?
They told me they would help - sent workers to help
And the friends dropped us off at night in the dark
We all worked together and that's how it seemed at first - like help
I trusted and I prayed - I smiled and the kids played
And the air got colder but I got smarter

We had a heater this time, kerosene
Light to read by in the cozy evenings
We could make a meal and heat a room. But I didn't have a car
And we were stuck there in that damned bare field
With no way to escape and no help
When the snakes came and stole my kids

How many mistakes can you make?
How many things can go wrong?
As you wait and pray and follow the rules
And the friends won't stand up for you in court
I fought and played their games
I slept on strangers couches to make it
And I watched the light fade from my babies eyes

How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
As the last of my health was fading away
I did find one last push - the strength tell a good lie - and won
I played their game and I threw away a dream and a future to win
But I got played and I lost my trailer, my land and my health
My kids came home and the light was gone from their eyes

Unconditional Love

I wanted to tell you
What I've learned about
Unconditional Love

Right from the start
I knew that he never had it
Not until he met me

For so many years
I loved that man
I begged him to see
I was giving him everything
He ever asked for
Ever dreamed of
Everything he always wanted
He couldn't see it

I thought - I knew
That we would get thru it
That any minute he would
He would open his eyes and see me
And it would all be worth
The pain, the tears
The bruises
We would both finally have
What we always wanted

I was willing to bear it all
To have unconditional love
And to give unconditional love

Eventually, it all fell apart
The choices weren't mine to make anymore
Still I knew - if I had faith
and I kept on loving
That one day it would all be worth it

What I didn't know was that one day
My baby girl would be 5 foot something
And she would stand and look me in the eye
and say
"I wish you would die"
I didn't know that she could never appreciate
The sacrifices I had made for her, for her brother
For her sisters

I didn't know three angels would
Shut the door to heaven from me
And open their mouths to drench me with
Retribution

I didn't know my firstborn
Would turn her hate on herself
I didn't know that I would be
Forever locked in the hell I made

Because I had loved unconditionally

In the end he never loved me.
Love is a verb you see
And the verb he held in his heart for me was hate
He hated me with his words, with his hands

H edidn't know how to love me
Or anyone else
And he never cared to learn

In the end it was never worth it
Not worth my pain, my tears
Not worth my bruises
Certainly never worth my babies

And these will never learn this lesson
Because I never taught it to them

And now I see her trying to love that way
My baby girl
Giving away too much of herself
To a boy who will never open his eyes and see her.
And she doesn't yet know
And you tell her but she doesn't care

It was never worth it
It will never be worth it

Letter to my Little Self by Victoria Meyers (14 of 30)

Hey little girl,
I remember when you were sitting in your room at your flower table
Coloring with crayons while you sang Elvis, and Eagles and Shawn Cassidy songs
You believed you sounded just like the singers and you sang loud enough to drown them out

Hey little girl,
I remember when you used to spend hours choreographing dances and skits to go along with those same songs
When you would get the other kids to to join in and put on a show for your moms' party friends
I remember how you gave the party goers all tickets and directed them to come to come see the "show" at the designated time.
You had it all figured out and you put on three shows a night- so that no one had to miss out

Hey little girl,
Don't stop dreaming
Life will get hard, and so many, many years will go by that you will forget
You will even forget yourself and who you would have been - before - if they hadn't done all those things to you to knock you off your trajectory
So many years will go by that you will want to give up
In fact you will give up entirely three times before you get back on your path

Hey little girl,
Remember all those things that happen to you not only the good and happy things- but also the ugly nasty and a sad things too
Are the same things that will make you amazing
They will color you music and your poetry and your parenting and your love
With all the empathy that you need to touch the hearts of those who will listen

And little girl,
I'm telling you they will listen one day
And you will smile