She sat in the sunshine gazing across the yard into her past. She spoke of her memories as though they happened today. But she does not recognize my face.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Sunday, January 3, 2016
No Mistakes (Revised)
NO MISTAKES
How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
The pretty yellow black-eyed susans
Should have warned me from the beginning
I thought I had taken the lemons given me and made lemonade
On the tail end of the breakdown
I was coming out on the other side and would be victorious.....
That's what I thought - I think I remember it that way
How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
We moved into that trailer in triumph
The kitchen had been ripped out and paint stained the carpet
But the paint was fresh and the carpet was new
There were yellow flowers all around in the field
And the edge of the woods where we moved it
The walls were white and a dryer lay
On its side in the laundry room- it worked
At first the friends were helpful - they came and things got fixed
And it was going to get better
I should have known better then to get hopeful
How cold can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
The fall was winding down and the winter would come
The dealer told me 100 gallons of propane would last the winter
Could anyone predict that the tank would be empty in only a month?
We had never lived that way before
Without heat, in a tin can in the middle of a barren field
We didn't know how. We made mistakes. I made mistakes
Three of us shivering under a mountain of blankets
The cat and the dog put away their differences for a place in the bed
I'm not sure how we made it through - I messed that up pretty good
It was so cold and I did it all wrong
But we made it through to the other side of that winter
And we were OK - and things looked like they would get better
How hot can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
As the spring faded my hope died in the blistering heat
in the middle of a barren field
They cut down all the forest and left just ruts in the mud
I had made a plan - I bought the land, I did the work
I didn't know how many mistakes - I could make again
How hot can you get? Can you make everything go wrong?
To get money to move the trailer, I sold the car
It didn't matter, I said because we'd be in town
That's what I thought
He said 6 weeks.... but then he said 6 more
I couldn't make it that far and the money got spent
Spent on living and we just got stuck
The only thing that saved us that summer was the water
Thank god there was a well
We could live under the stream of spray of the cold clear water
And the friends sneered and looked at our tans
And said we looked like we had a great summer
How lost can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
The summer finished and the fall came and someone made the call
The electricity on again and the social workers finally came
I didn't have to to tell them - I didn't have to ask for help!
They turned to leave but I needed help, wanted help
I asked for help from snakes who smile and hiss and slither
How lost can you get?
Can you make everything go wrong?
They told me they would help - sent workers to help
And the friends dropped us off at night in the dark
We all worked together and that's how it seemed at first - like help
I trusted and I prayed - I smiled and the kids played
And the air got colder but I got smarter
We had a heater this time, kerosene
Light to read by in the cozy evenings
We could make a meal and heat a room. But I didn't have a car
And we were stuck there in that damned bare field
With no way to escape and no help
When the snakes came and stole my kids
How many mistakes can you make?
How many things can go wrong?
As you wait and pray and follow the rules
And the friends won't stand up for you in court
I fought and played their games
I slept on strangers couches to make it
And I watched the light fade from my babies eyes
How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
As the last of my health was fading away
I did find one last push - the strength tell a good lie - and won
I played their game and I threw away a dream and a future to win
But I got played and I lost my trailer, my land and my health
My kids came home and the light was gone from their eyes
How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
The pretty yellow black-eyed susans
Should have warned me from the beginning
I thought I had taken the lemons given me and made lemonade
On the tail end of the breakdown
I was coming out on the other side and would be victorious.....
That's what I thought - I think I remember it that way
How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
We moved into that trailer in triumph
The kitchen had been ripped out and paint stained the carpet
But the paint was fresh and the carpet was new
There were yellow flowers all around in the field
And the edge of the woods where we moved it
The walls were white and a dryer lay
On its side in the laundry room- it worked
At first the friends were helpful - they came and things got fixed
And it was going to get better
I should have known better then to get hopeful
How cold can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
The fall was winding down and the winter would come
The dealer told me 100 gallons of propane would last the winter
Could anyone predict that the tank would be empty in only a month?
We had never lived that way before
Without heat, in a tin can in the middle of a barren field
We didn't know how. We made mistakes. I made mistakes
Three of us shivering under a mountain of blankets
The cat and the dog put away their differences for a place in the bed
I'm not sure how we made it through - I messed that up pretty good
It was so cold and I did it all wrong
But we made it through to the other side of that winter
And we were OK - and things looked like they would get better
How hot can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
As the spring faded my hope died in the blistering heat
in the middle of a barren field
They cut down all the forest and left just ruts in the mud
I had made a plan - I bought the land, I did the work
I didn't know how many mistakes - I could make again
How hot can you get? Can you make everything go wrong?
To get money to move the trailer, I sold the car
It didn't matter, I said because we'd be in town
That's what I thought
He said 6 weeks.... but then he said 6 more
I couldn't make it that far and the money got spent
Spent on living and we just got stuck
The only thing that saved us that summer was the water
Thank god there was a well
We could live under the stream of spray of the cold clear water
And the friends sneered and looked at our tans
And said we looked like we had a great summer
How lost can you get?
How many things can go wrong?
The summer finished and the fall came and someone made the call
The electricity on again and the social workers finally came
I didn't have to to tell them - I didn't have to ask for help!
They turned to leave but I needed help, wanted help
I asked for help from snakes who smile and hiss and slither
How lost can you get?
Can you make everything go wrong?
They told me they would help - sent workers to help
And the friends dropped us off at night in the dark
We all worked together and that's how it seemed at first - like help
I trusted and I prayed - I smiled and the kids played
And the air got colder but I got smarter
We had a heater this time, kerosene
Light to read by in the cozy evenings
We could make a meal and heat a room. But I didn't have a car
And we were stuck there in that damned bare field
With no way to escape and no help
When the snakes came and stole my kids
How many mistakes can you make?
How many things can go wrong?
As you wait and pray and follow the rules
And the friends won't stand up for you in court
I fought and played their games
I slept on strangers couches to make it
And I watched the light fade from my babies eyes
How many mistakes can you make?
Can you make everything go wrong?
As the last of my health was fading away
I did find one last push - the strength tell a good lie - and won
I played their game and I threw away a dream and a future to win
But I got played and I lost my trailer, my land and my health
My kids came home and the light was gone from their eyes
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Victoria is my Name
I was born Victoria Lee Stewart in January
In a small retirement community a full week into the new year
Yet I was the New Years baby
I once asked my mother who I was named for
A queen perhaps, or a far away city?
"No" she said, "I just thought the name is beautiful- you are beautiful"
But she didn't call me that beautiful name, instead she called me Vickie
She spelled it in a different way then most
with the "ie" on the end instead of a "y"
Nobody ever got it right
It rhymed with all manner of unpleasant names
Which I suffered throughout elementary school
Vickie, Dickie, Sicky, lickie, Mickie, picky... icky
Finally I had the chance to re-brand myself
A move to a new state when I was nearly 12
Now I was Tori...
No longer gangly, and awkward, with buck teeth, and stick out ears
I was tan and tall and pretty and I was "The girl from California"
And Tori didn't rhyme with anything gross
The move was no good for a girl with no self-esteem however, instead it proved to be a disaster that set me on a path of self loathing and self destruction
Suddenly attractive to boys and with out compass or sanctuary
I became victim to the whim and desires of others
Mississippi holds no fond memories for me
I cringe at the thought of meeting someone who knew me then
Leaving Mississippi behind did not remove its shadow from my heart
The shadow cold and lonely followed me thru Arkansas, Okinawa, New York, Connecticut and back to Arkansas again and Wisconsin and Florida and Arkansas again, and again to Arkansas
The dark times were dismal with this shadow overhead, no light could penetrate. Anguished nights spent screaming into the dark,
Cicadas roar covered the sound with no purchase found in those days
Years passed until I finally made another move
To a new place inside myself.
I decided to grow into me
I know it sounds too simple but that was just what I did
I left behind the old shadow, the shame and solitude
I changed from the inside out, my food, my outlook
I nourished myself in ways that have nothing to do with my address
I am Victoria now and forever
I am beautiful and free
In a small retirement community a full week into the new year
Yet I was the New Years baby
I once asked my mother who I was named for
A queen perhaps, or a far away city?
"No" she said, "I just thought the name is beautiful- you are beautiful"
But she didn't call me that beautiful name, instead she called me Vickie
She spelled it in a different way then most
with the "ie" on the end instead of a "y"
Nobody ever got it right
It rhymed with all manner of unpleasant names
Which I suffered throughout elementary school
Vickie, Dickie, Sicky, lickie, Mickie, picky... icky
Finally I had the chance to re-brand myself
A move to a new state when I was nearly 12
Now I was Tori...
No longer gangly, and awkward, with buck teeth, and stick out ears
I was tan and tall and pretty and I was "The girl from California"
And Tori didn't rhyme with anything gross
The move was no good for a girl with no self-esteem however, instead it proved to be a disaster that set me on a path of self loathing and self destruction
Suddenly attractive to boys and with out compass or sanctuary
I became victim to the whim and desires of others
Mississippi holds no fond memories for me
I cringe at the thought of meeting someone who knew me then
Leaving Mississippi behind did not remove its shadow from my heart
The shadow cold and lonely followed me thru Arkansas, Okinawa, New York, Connecticut and back to Arkansas again and Wisconsin and Florida and Arkansas again, and again to Arkansas
The dark times were dismal with this shadow overhead, no light could penetrate. Anguished nights spent screaming into the dark,
Cicadas roar covered the sound with no purchase found in those days
Years passed until I finally made another move
To a new place inside myself.
I decided to grow into me
I know it sounds too simple but that was just what I did
I left behind the old shadow, the shame and solitude
I changed from the inside out, my food, my outlook
I nourished myself in ways that have nothing to do with my address
I am Victoria now and forever
I am beautiful and free
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
The Self-Fulfilling Party Planner by Victoria Meyers (15 of 30)
I have thrown a lot of parties and get togethers of many different sizes and magnitudes throughout my life. When I was a teen in therapy this fact came out that when I throw a party; no one shows up. So my therapist took this as a challenge. Whether to prove to me that I must be exaggerating- which admittedly depressed souls will do- or to give me a happy successful party experience to reset my counter - well... I'm not sure.
In any event he required me to plan and throw not just one but two successful parties. That was a stipulation in the assignment - YES - they were to be successful.
So with mixed emotions and some guarded fear I set about to plan the first of the two.
My guests, who were all from an enclosed circle of influence, got wind of the assignment. So as kids tend to like to be mean and against all odds and even threat of punishment they plotted against me. All of my guests purposely refused to show up. Not only that but even my therapist forgot to come! And yes, he had been given an invitation; hand-written and hand-delivered like all the rest.
So my life has seemed to continue to follow this path. No matter where in the world my nomadic life has led me, no matter the circle of friends of which I was a member, whenever I have summoned the courage to throw another shindig- with very few exceptions- no one shows up.
But I keep doing it. At one point in my life I even made parties my JOB. Go figure. What could have possessed me? Somehow deep down am I actually doing this to myself? Or am I still trying to utilize the therapeutic direction of my past?
My party career never took off. Self fulfilling prophecies not withstanding- I still throw parties that no one attends.
Today I attended a gathering that was thrown together in less then three days. Almost no one received any reminder to attend, much less an invitation at all. Yet there were hundreds in attendance. Family members, old friends, new friends, colleagues, business acquaintances and even dastardly teenagers. Their were spouses and guests who may never even have met the honoree at all.
How could this be? This gathering put together in less then three days for a man who felt so alone and hopeless that he had even taken his own life? The irony is not lost on my. It strikes a cold fear in my heart.
It makes me ask questions that are none of my business, but I wonder...
De he throw parties?
And if he did did he have good attendance?
Maybe he never did throw parties and didn't know how dearly he was loved.
Maybe he did but he forgot?
Maybe its normal for people to ignore you until your dead?
It's a conundrum to me.
But I wonder, will this party failure that I am haunt me even into death?
I wish that he had been able to see how much he was loved. Maybe he would still be with us.
In any event he required me to plan and throw not just one but two successful parties. That was a stipulation in the assignment - YES - they were to be successful.
So with mixed emotions and some guarded fear I set about to plan the first of the two.
My guests, who were all from an enclosed circle of influence, got wind of the assignment. So as kids tend to like to be mean and against all odds and even threat of punishment they plotted against me. All of my guests purposely refused to show up. Not only that but even my therapist forgot to come! And yes, he had been given an invitation; hand-written and hand-delivered like all the rest.
So my life has seemed to continue to follow this path. No matter where in the world my nomadic life has led me, no matter the circle of friends of which I was a member, whenever I have summoned the courage to throw another shindig- with very few exceptions- no one shows up.
But I keep doing it. At one point in my life I even made parties my JOB. Go figure. What could have possessed me? Somehow deep down am I actually doing this to myself? Or am I still trying to utilize the therapeutic direction of my past?
My party career never took off. Self fulfilling prophecies not withstanding- I still throw parties that no one attends.
Today I attended a gathering that was thrown together in less then three days. Almost no one received any reminder to attend, much less an invitation at all. Yet there were hundreds in attendance. Family members, old friends, new friends, colleagues, business acquaintances and even dastardly teenagers. Their were spouses and guests who may never even have met the honoree at all.
How could this be? This gathering put together in less then three days for a man who felt so alone and hopeless that he had even taken his own life? The irony is not lost on my. It strikes a cold fear in my heart.
It makes me ask questions that are none of my business, but I wonder...
De he throw parties?
And if he did did he have good attendance?
Maybe he never did throw parties and didn't know how dearly he was loved.
Maybe he did but he forgot?
Maybe its normal for people to ignore you until your dead?
It's a conundrum to me.
But I wonder, will this party failure that I am haunt me even into death?
I wish that he had been able to see how much he was loved. Maybe he would still be with us.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Lost Words by Victoria Meyers (13 of 30)
Sunday morning came early
A new day to wash the tears away
I travel down pathways in my memory
Searching for song lyrics long lost
The lilt of my song haunts me
But my damaged brain keeps holding out
These old purged words that are lost to me now
Ghosts of the past in my today
I remember the times when I wrote them
Black bird flies away
To a door on the far side of the sky
Woe to you who don't take a serious view
To the art of your words today
Because tomorrow they could be gone
And believe me when I tell you
You will ache for their loss
Thoughts flit in and out as I write
My brain is a sponge that is drying
The moisture my thoughts, my words my poems, my songs
Drying out
This final repetition of a faded glory.
Falls flat as I rest my boots
While little birds and blackbirds
Both fly away and when they go
They take your heart and soul with them
A new day to wash the tears away
I travel down pathways in my memory
Searching for song lyrics long lost
The lilt of my song haunts me
But my damaged brain keeps holding out
These old purged words that are lost to me now
Ghosts of the past in my today
I remember the times when I wrote them
Black bird flies away
To a door on the far side of the sky
Woe to you who don't take a serious view
To the art of your words today
Because tomorrow they could be gone
And believe me when I tell you
You will ache for their loss
Thoughts flit in and out as I write
My brain is a sponge that is drying
The moisture my thoughts, my words my poems, my songs
Drying out
This final repetition of a faded glory.
Falls flat as I rest my boots
While little birds and blackbirds
Both fly away and when they go
They take your heart and soul with them
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