All I Can Tell You

All I can tell you is

I was asleep in a vacuum

I believed there was nobility

In being able to take a punch

I thought it would all get better

That with practice, I could be in control

               

All I can tell you is

I was out of my mind with fear

I believed there was no other chance

                To be able to feed my kids

I thought it would all get better

That with practice, I could be in control

All I can tell you is

I was alone in a fight against all odds

I believed there was no other way to live

On the razor thin edge of sanity

I thought it would all get better

That with practice, I could be in control

All I can tell you is

I was a defender of hearts

I believed there was a way

                That my sacrifice would protect you

I thought it would all get better

That with practice, I could be in control

All I can tell you is

I was not able to get control

I believed that reason was out of reach

                That I deserved to die

I thought it would all get better

That with practice, I could be in control

All I can tell you is

You are not alone. And even though

You believe there is no other way

                You don’t have to live this way

Because it won’t get better

That even with practice, you can’t be in control of anyone else but YOU

~Victoria Stewart-Meyers

(C) Victoria Meyers 2016

                               

               

                

This Isn't About Me

Today I was a witness to domestic violence
On my college campus
As I trudged up the hill to get a quick bite
After a tough class and before my next

When suddenly there was a shout and a bang, and a screech of tires
I tried to see into the car but the sun was in my eyes
And the cold weather had everyone buttoned up tight
In sweaters and jackets and hats                                                                            
I couldn't get a look at the guy
I did see the grim look of fear and embarrassment
In the eyes of the girl
As she bravely set her jaw and stood her ground under his threatening
Intimidation
His body actually arced over top of hers in the driver’s seat
As if he intended to climb right out the window over top of her
His clenched fist under her chin

Just as suddenly he jumped out of the passenger door
The door on my side 
As I stood and watched I tried to make eye contact with her
I could see her pretty brown hair
Her eyes were already brimming with the tears
She would try but would not be able to hold them back
Even as she drove away
Safe for now
She averted her gaze from me and I knew why

I thought to try again to see the guy
He was already pretty far away
I wanted to follow him, chase him down
I wanted to look him in his eyes and let him know that
I - will- take- him – on

But he was already halfway up the hill
I knew better and now they both were gone
I never even got a look at his face

All that was left was me
Standing in the cold sunshine
Of a now darkened day
Shaking in rage and helplessness
In hopelessness
Wishing I could chase down that girl
Wishing I could chase down that guy
Knowing I couldn't do either one

As I finally turned to walk to the student center
A tear slipped down my cheek
In frustration and mourning
The sidewalk filled with students again
Walking toward me and past
And as I looked into each one’s eyes
I saw no glimmer of recognition
Of what had taken place here today
And my heart broke

But this is not about me

Victoria is my Name

I was born Victoria Lee Stewart in January
In a small retirement community a full week into the new year
Yet I was the New Years baby

I once asked my mother who I was named for
A queen perhaps, or a far away city?
"No" she said, "I just thought the name is beautiful- you are beautiful"

But she didn't call me that beautiful name, instead she called me Vickie
She spelled it in a different way then most
with the "ie" on the end instead of a "y"
Nobody ever got it right

It rhymed with all manner of unpleasant names
Which I suffered throughout elementary school

Vickie, Dickie, Sicky, lickie, Mickie, picky... icky

Finally I had the chance to re-brand myself
A move to a new state when I was nearly 12
Now I was Tori...
No longer gangly, and awkward, with buck teeth, and stick out ears
I was tan and tall and pretty and I was "The girl from California"

And Tori didn't rhyme with anything gross

The move was no good for a girl with no self-esteem however, instead it proved to be a disaster that set me on a path of self loathing and self destruction

Suddenly attractive to boys and with out compass or sanctuary
I became victim to the whim and desires of others
Mississippi holds no fond memories for me
I cringe at the thought of meeting someone who knew me then

Leaving Mississippi behind did not remove its shadow from my heart
The shadow cold and lonely followed me thru Arkansas, Okinawa, New York, Connecticut and back to Arkansas again and Wisconsin and Florida and Arkansas again, and again to Arkansas

The dark times were dismal with this shadow overhead, no light could penetrate. Anguished nights spent screaming into the dark,
Cicadas roar covered the sound with no purchase found in those days

Years passed until I finally made another move
To a new place inside myself.
I decided to grow into me
I know it sounds too simple but that was just what I did
I left behind the old shadow, the shame and solitude
I changed from the inside out, my food, my outlook
I nourished myself in ways that have nothing to do with my address

I am Victoria now and forever
I am beautiful and free

Water Power (an erasure poem) by Victoria Meyers (11 of 30)

incredible power and absolute calm
focused as the sea
watched
towered above
the sky
water curled
powerful
massive waves
vanished
powerful churning and swirling
invincible ships were overcome
by the force of the waves
escape disappeared
away
the ocean
tidal wave
mastered water
paddling nothing

~Water Power (an erasure poem) by Victoria Meyers